I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
