My room smells like vodka and shame
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
Randomize
