GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
