tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Randomize
