i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Randomize
