I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
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