she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
