did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
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