Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize