Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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