I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
These tits shall not be calmed
Randomize
