I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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