I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
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