I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
