I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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