Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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