im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
I forget, are we banging TA’s for grades this semester or not?
Depends on how cute he is
Randomize