Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
Randomize