i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
