yeah it was kind of like, i'm 27 and still live in a frat house.. you honestly expect me to have "moral fiber" and a "conscience"
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
