Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
