Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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