ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
