It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
