i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
