she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
Randomize
