the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
Randomize
