Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
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