I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
I need to sanitize my soul.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Randomize
