My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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