no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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