you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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