The brown eye won't let me do that either.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
You are the jesus of drinking
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Randomize
