Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
Randomize
