apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
