ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Randomize
