were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
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