Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
i just made my gag reflex go away.
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Randomize
