We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
You took a bar mat shot.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
Randomize
