Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
If you can't do the LSAT hung over. You can't do the LSAT. That's the real practice.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
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