if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
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