I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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