remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Randomize
