You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Randomize
