Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
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