I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
Is it penis luge time yet?
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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