Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Randomize
