Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
Randomize
