Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
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