i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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