My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
