In the future we'll all be gay
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
Randomize
