And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
He better not be in your backpack
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
