My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
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