Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
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