Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
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