i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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