I wish my penis had an off switch
do you believe in love at first sight?
awwwwww =)
yea.. so can i have your sisters number? thanks!
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize