Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
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