I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
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