1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Randomize
