First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
Randomize