In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
Found your dick twin last night
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
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