new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
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