Whats the count minus fat chicks?
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Randomize
