Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
