How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Randomize
