I cut my penus on the lid.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
