so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
