ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
How external is "for external use only"?
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Randomize
