I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
I think that i just found proof that harry and ginny had sex
found POGS while I was cleaning my room this morning. Definitely bringing them back to school to turn into a drinking game.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
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