And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
Randomize
