Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
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