He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Randomize
