Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
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